5

27 September

Paula was officially a teenager. She had been acting like one for years. She had sulked, slammed doors and worn short skirts for a long time, but still, it was an important day.

Paula was happy with the earrings and new top Lisa had bought but said Keith had promised her an iPod. Lisa didn’t know what an iPod was but she knew it cost a lot. Lisa was cross with him for being able to outdo her, but happy that Paula was going to do well out of it. Nothing was ever simple for her now. Kerry gave Paula a CD. It didn’t come with a smile. She was still heartbroken about that boy hanging out with Chloe Jackson. Jack handed over a book token (that Lisa had bought).

Paula spent ages in the bathroom and came out wearing loads of make-up. She looked like someone off an MTV pop video. Lisa sighed and felt old. She didn’t have the heart to row with Paula on her birthday, so she pretended not to see.

Lisa had invited all the family for tea. She didn’t think they would all say yes, but sadly they did. John said he’d bring a date. That was thirteen to feed and seat. Oh dear! Matters were made worse when Paula asked if she could invite her dad. Lisa wanted to say no but spat out ‘yes’. Then Keith invited the Big Breasted Woman and his parents. Lisa hated herself for saying, ‘The more the merrier.’ She meant to say, ‘Get stuffed.’

Lisa had planned to pass around a plate of sausage rolls and some egg sandwiches. She changed her mind, now that the Big Breasted Woman was coming. She went to Marks & Spencer and bought their great party packs of food. She nipped to Argos and bought two new tea-sets because she didn’t own enough matching plates. She panicked as she passed the newsagent, and bought a bumper pack of streamers and balloons. Paula’s teenage tea party cost about the same as Lisa’s wedding reception. At this rate Lisa thought she would have to sell a kidney to pay for Kerry’s twenty-first.

Lisa called Gill from the DIY class. It was on the of f chance. They didn’t know each other well yet, but Lisa thought they would be good friends, given time. And Lisa would need a friend at this tea party. Besides, her family were always better behaved in front of guests.

Lisa’s mum and dad arrived first. John and his lady arrived next. Lisa didn’t bother to learn her name. Like all the rest of John’s girl-friends, she was nice, happy and hopeful. But it wouldn’t last – a week or ten days at the most. John gave Paula a bottle of sparkly wine. Paula shouted, ‘Wicked.’ Lisa shouted, ‘No way,’ and quickly took it off her.

Carol and her family turned up with a big present. Then Gill arrived into the chaos. Keith and the add-ons arrived next. The Big Breasted Woman looked wonderful. She exercised a lot. Her credit card, that was! It was always being used. She had expensive hair, clothes and maybe even plastic surgery. Lisa wished she’d put on some lipstick. She was still red and sweaty from blowing up party balloons – not a great look.

Paula opened her gifts. Then the kids went up to their bedrooms to play noisily. The adults sat in the front room in silence. Everyone, other than Keith, seemed to know that this modern way to divorce (all one big happy family) was difficult to manage. The old way (never speaking again) would suit Lisa fine.

It did not feel like a party. More like a funeral. Keith’s parents often slagged off the Big Breasted Woman to Lisa. They also slagged off Lisa to the Big Breasted Woman, so they were tense. Lisa’s mother shot Keith’s mother evil looks. She hadn’t forgiven her for going to the Big Breasted Woman’s wedding. Carol talked loudly about the dangers of cosmetic surgery. She stared meaningfully at the big breasts. Only Gill and John chatted happily, but even that upset John’s date.

Lisa was worried about the bite-size flans that were part of the party pack from Marks & Spencer. They smelt a bit funny. Carol sniffed them and took a bite. She pronounced them delicious. It was impossible to argue. Lisa offered Keith a beer. The Big Breasted Woman said he never drank out of cans (a lie). Lisa offered her a wine.

‘I don’t drink sweet wines,’ she said. Neither of them touched Lisa’s spread. ‘We’re going on to a really good restaurant, later,’ said the Big Breasted Woman.

Lisa wondered whether a judge would understand if she used a small strawberry flan to batter the Big Breasted Woman to death.

The hands on the clock seemed to be going backwards. The doorbell rang. Lisa was surprised to see Mark – she’d forgotten she’d invited him. She hadn’t thought he’d come to a boring teenage party. Surely he had better things to do with his time? She’d only thrown the invite out at the last minute. But here he was.

Kerry, Paula and Jack ran down the stairs. They were so pleased to see him. Mark marched into the front room with a crate of expensive bottled beer and four bottles of champagne.

‘I know Paula can’t actually enjoy this but we’ll toast her and she can keep the cork,’ he said. He winked at Paula and passed her an envelope. ‘This is for you to enjoy though.’

‘Tickets to a Mika gig!’ She squealed and hugged him. ‘That is just the coolest. Thank you!’

Lisa stared at Mark, unable to hide from the fact that his arrival had got the party going. When she said so to Carol, Carol shrugged and said, ‘It always does. Haven’t you noticed?’

No, she hadn’t noticed. She hadn’t given it much thought.

Back in the living room, things were more relaxed. The kids had all come downstairs to stay, happy to be around Mark. Even the Big Breasted Woman had a smile on her face. Was she trying to pretend to be a nice human being? Well, she could try all she liked. Mark knew better. Lisa had spent many months telling Mark what a horrible person the Big Breasted Woman was. He wasn’t going to be fooled by a flash of white teeth and cleavage. He had more to him than that. Mark wasn’t a white teeth and big boobs sort of man. He couldn’t be, he was with Lisa. Her teeth were greyish. The result of a 1970s childhood and NHS dentists. And her cleavage was nonexistent. Her nickname at school had been ‘Ironing Board’, she was that flat.

Lisa was handing out glasses of fizz and plates of pastry. The phone rang. She shouted for Paula to answer it.

‘It will be for you, Paula. Someone wishing you happy birthday.’

‘Like who? Everyone we know is here,’ said Paula. She didn’t want to have to move from in front of the TV.

Kerry suddenly appeared from nowhere. She snatched up the phone handset, went into the downstairs loo and closed the door with a firm bang.

‘All back on with the boyfriend, I guess,’ said Mark to Lisa.

‘I suppose so. She hasn’t mentioned anything.’

‘Teenagers don’t, do they?’ added Carol. ‘Now come on. Hurry up with that food. Dad thinks his throat has been cut, he’s that hungry.’